I’ve not posted in quite a while. Not because I’ve been without things to say, but because what I have to say isn’t pretty. It’s not certain. It’s not joyful.
I’ve decided to let myself be seen. To not be alone. To choose not to be numb. But, to release my worthiness, creativity, joy, & tenderness by being open.
The last five months have been filled with job searching, visiting and revisiting friends and family across the US. And then doing it again. With more job searching. And then doing the whole thing over. Again. Really. We’ve put 26,000 miles on the car. And in more than one home, they have started calling their guest room, “our” room. We should be paying rent.
There have been some great job leads along the way. (And, I finally figured out what I want to do when I grow up.) And some opportunities we turned down (back when we were looking for the Perfect Job). But, currently there’s nothing. Not one thing. Not for me and not for Dreamboat.
There was budget for twelve months of amazing travel and exploration (and, it really was amazing). But, that was over five months ago. The budget is gone. The extra cushion is gone. The money is gone. And of course, the patience is gone as well.
I know that one call will change everything. Just one job and my world will turn right side up again. There are great, even amazing opportunities out there. I still have hope—which is what our souls long for anyway, right?
But, yesterday, things took a turn for the worst.
We’re driving, again, across the country.
Headed home to Seattle and planning to get the kiddos back in school while we consult and look for work. In addition to joyfully anticipating reconnecting with my friends, I am most excited about Peanut starting preschool at an amazing developmental place we had all set up before leaving on this adventure. But, I hadn’t heard back from them on my inquiries as to a start date.
So, yesterday, I called.
Due to several red-tape, governementalish reasons (none of which are for the benefit of my little guy), Peanut can’t begin any time soon. In fact, it will be summer break before all the paperwork and processes are completed.
There will be no school for him until next September.
There will be no speech therapy to help him form the new words he so desperately wants to say.
There will be no occupational therapy to help him learn to feed himself the food he so desperately needs to nourish his body and help him grow.
And, no potty training that his mama was counting on the peer pressure, and a trained specialist, to take on for her!
So, all those lovely inspirational quotes and sayings that are filling up my FB feed today (and every day really) about ‘step out of your comfort zone,’ or, ‘look forward prayerfully, and live in the present gratefully’–I am trying. I am trying really, really hard.
I rotate my prayers between variations of ‘please…’, ‘help…..’, and ‘thank you…’ throughout each day, and am conscientiously practicing gratitude. And requiring it of the kids. And, let’s be really honest here, I have a LOT to be grateful for.
I know this year has been a once-in-a-lifetime gift that will continue to benefit each of us throughout our lifetimes. And, I don’t regret the decision to quit our jobs, get rid of our stuff, and introduce the kids to volunteering, surfing, Spanish, ceviche, the mysteries of Africa, and countless other experiences. Yet. But, I don’t know how long it will be before I begin battling the regret. I’m guessing it will have a direct relationship to mounting debt.
But right now, the platitudes aren’t helping. In reality, they add an element of shame for me. As though I could do more, or differently, to get different results.
But, hearing of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death this week, as he chose drugs to numb his pain, I decided to be brave. To be open. To be known. To not numb my pain.
As a society, we are the most in debt, addicted, obese, and medicated adults in history. Today, that won’t be me